Every once and a while I have felt that there are times when God is there looking down on me saying, "Danielle, listen."
That simple phrase has been making me feel both idiotic and ashamed. I have, for the last several months, been watching my own actions and listening to my own mouth, and there are days where I am spot on rolling smoothly along with no worries and no stress and there are other days when I look in the imaginary mirror and wonder who the heck is this person staring back at me. Since before Christmas 2011 I have been taking stock and inventory of my life and what I need to change and where I need to improve within myself. Well Folks, This house is under some major construction!! It wont be ready for re-opening until some-time in the future. Who knew ones self could have so much clutter, baggage and drama.
Lets begin with the clutter... its as though I am watching an episode of the hoarders and I am their feature hoarder of memories, statements, conversations and random bits of useless information that makes me look like I'm a "know it all". I will be the first to admit I am not a Know It All, I am just filled with the information I have taken the time to read over the last 37...woops 38 years of my life. I am not claiming to have a photographic memory or a video camera recording my daily life,(I don't replay it every morning like 50 First Dates and reelect the life long events that have happened to me). I am just noticing I am either becoming like my Grandmothers before me or I am just becoming a hoarder... I would like to think its NOT the latter...So some of my clutter is much needed and other clutter will have to be gone through, categorized, and filed into a cabinet for future retrieval...
So I begin to notice my baggage and no... its not a Louis Vuitton hand crafted, vintage, sturdy piece of luggage....it is the years of long over due repressed, upset and anger that has now spun itself into the divorce of century....(Not Mine) My parents who have now been married 46 years have now decided to divorce. My mother bitter and not willing to let go the things of the past and my Father who cant remember breakfast let alone the actions of a man who wasn't there (only in mind not in body) for his family. My baggage also comes with a price, not monetary but its a definate price none the less... the price is what I have to pay for having the most grandchildren, for living the furthest away, and for being the only daughter born of this family even though, both of my brothers are married and they have wives. It all lays neatly folded in the baggage I have set off to the side. I dont bring this "bag" out... I dont want it to be close to me... nor do I want to open it because I know what lays inside of it. What's there is something that belongs to some one else and not me... I am easily punished and made to feel bad if I am not on the merry-go-round/roller-coaster combination they have created. I don't want to be in the middle(I have tried to remove myself) and I dont want to be made to feel bad when I am not in their midst every waking moment because Heaven forbid one gets more time with my family than the other....WoW...get over it already I am not in the mood for a new set of baggage and I sure as heck am not going to be forced to buy the set either are selling... the baggage should be left at the train station and that is my intention...I am going to leave it behind!
My Soap Opera days are limited on TV and I am now trying to figure out a way to make them non existant in my personal life....Not that I am going to be giving up on my fav soaps but I am going to start to stop the drama in my day to day life. I have begun to weed out those who are not good for me, sometimes ending the friendship in a fight and others keeping the friendship but coming to an understanding. I used to be all about drama(in my 20's) and now my life has been so calm since removing it... when it gets near me I break out into BitCh n' hives....Yeah I just said it I can recognized when I am becoming a part of a "Royal" family... It is rather hard for some to see that I am no longer about the drama especially when I go into reaction mode. I react because of the disbelief that there are so many Young and OLD that thrive on the stress brought on by the drama... I am good with out it, I am able to function to my fullest extent with knowing I am not in the middle, front or back of the Poo Poo people sling...
This year is off to a wonderful start and I am going to continue to figure out what things to keep....most of the mindless clutter I am sure I will collect but there is going to be a halt to the baggage and drama. I will work hard at keeping myself rid of the things that bring me down and I will surround myself with the things that bring me an over abundance of Love, Joy, Peace and Happiness!!!
