Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Enjoying the Peace!

I am sitting here listening to the silence of the house, as the kids are at the park, and I am playing on the iPad. I am forced with the silence to think about what my life would consist of had I not met my husband and had I not moved from the place where I was before my life as an Army Spouse.

I have come to realize that my life is blessed, though many would wonder how I could leave my Army family and friends every 3 years or so? How could I leave my parents, siblings, extended family and child hood friends? Well, all I can say to you to help you understand, its not a hardship that I am faced with, it is a renewed feeling that I will be with all of them again. Some sooner than others and some will only be by chance as their husbands are in a different branch of service. With every duty station I am filled with excitement, along with the nervousness of a child entering Kindergarten. I look at every new Post as a new opportunity to keep myself in check, I watch my "p's and q's" I "dot my I's and cross my T's" I observe and listen, learn and explore. I learn more about myself in the first 6 months of living in a new place than most of my friends will learn in a life time of living in the same small community where we all grew up. Army life has become about the experience and the lessons learned, the friendships made and the family bonds built over a short period of time. We skip the drama of who's that chick, and opt for the open arms of how are you and what was your last duty station...your going to love it here, let us know if we can help you out with anything...
Skipping the drama of you are a threat makes you feel more like family than foe.

I think what has brought part of this thought process on, is that last night my daughter had a nightmare. She was in tears as she talked to me about how in her dream she was abducted by her "biological", you could also refer to him as a sperm donor. He was in our lives before my husband  obviously, and left long before our 2nd child turned 2. In the dream, she tried to fight him off and get a way but he was just too strong and he took her away from me. It was an emotional and terrifying dream. A bit disturbing to me as I tried to explain to her that she need not worry that he would come to take her away because he no longer had any rights since her father (Paul) had adopted her. It hurt me to see her so upset but in a way it was comforting that even when she is getting yelled at or disciplined for something she has done wrong she knows that being here with her Dad and I is so much better than being a part of the dysfunctional lifestyle of the "biological". My life had taken such a drastic turn for the better since the day I set eyes on my wonderfully amazing husband! If I were to take a glance back on the times before Paul I wasn't complete, I felt that unattainable goals on relationships was a way to keep myself from being taken advantage of. But, in reality it was the only defense mechanism that I could think of to make sure I wouldn't marry any man unworthy. My life was full of someone else controlling my every move, my friendships, my interaction with my family and so on... Once I got my head out of my fourth point of contact (as my husband says) I came to realize I could do more for myself and I was better at it. Then in an instant BAM!!...there he was Paul! My life went from unattainable goals to a life where goals become a personal challenge and its conquered with ease. You become a special, rare, unique and most treasured gift that others were stupid to pass up and now you have found your purpose. It's a sense of belonging that has never been in your life before. When Paul came along my life and everything I thought I ever knew was tipped upside down and inside out he filled the holes and cracks others had created and until now I didn't know that is what he did for my children. He restored in them their belief that they matter to some one other than their mother. They are now Army Brats!

Taking that step...I mean JUMP into the Army way of life has taught me that you can never be too far from humble, too lost from being found, and never too proud to accept sacrifices you make so that others can protest about the things you think are insanely ridiculous.... I have to smile that my children (though tough at times) are able to bounce from school to school, place to place, state to state and they find where they fit in, find an acceptance from the community and school. The Army way of life also gives way to the thinking that there is always a new beginning when you change Duty Stations. A new beginning that is sometimes needed for the building of strength of a relationship strained by deployments or schools (being sent TDY). There is a renewed hope that this place will be better than the last and the things that come our way can be overcome with the strength found from the post/city prior to this. Paul and I have been fortunate to say that every Duty Station has brought us together. We are not saying that our relationship is not without flaws, but we are saying that when we were faced with difficult decisions we relied on the love and support form the previous years to guide us. Sometimes guiding us to marriage counselling or personal counseling, sometimes guiding us to seek out help from God.

Overall, our life filled with ups, downs, ins and outs has made me thankful that I can still see the simple ways my life is blessed for meeting and marrying my husband. I am blessed to have made such wonderful friends that I can take with me from place to place and even when we don't have the time to chat as often as we like we are always there for each other in a heartbeat. We are blessed as a family for having the ability to lean on each other and even when the going gets tough we know we always have us!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It's Been A Long Tim....

Well, where to begin....

It's been a long time since I had anything to blog about and there have been so many life changing events. My son graduated and is off at college, we moved to California, we lost one of our dogs, we gained a cat, and my family and I had to live in a temporary home until we could get the proper housing here at Fort Irwin (which we all affectionately call "The Island"), my business got put on hold, Paully started school, and even though things took a rocky start, in the midst of it all, it was a humbling experience... I couldn't tell you how much upset and upheaval there was in the inter workings of our family but there was lots of lashing out at each other unintentionally of course but none the less it still went on for each of us. I found out that there are those whom are truly concerned with the well being of another human being and there are those that look at you as though you should have expected the worst of the situation and if you had you would be better prepared. I am not saying that all my interactions with people and departments were all bad but more often than not I did get the feeling that there were many who would have traded their left arm than to be dealing with me, no matter how nice, sweet, kind, and understanding I was.

Ya know, growing up in rural NY you found yourself daydreaming of life outside your small town. You think the world is going to be beautiful and new, fresh and exciting, and then you find that the places outside of your little one horse town are more like the land of OZ than the melting pot of America. Where I grew up we were ALWAYS in silent competition with another state, California! Cali was to be our nemesis all our lives... You could visit but, Florida is somehow better. You could sing the songs about their girls but the bluesy rendition of ole NY still was your theme music to life and the beat you stepped to. California was nothing short of a carpet bagger traveling the south, in a NYers eye. This is all in the retro spect to the education of the late 70's through the 90's.

So I would like to think I am an experienced adult, well rounded and ready to handle what challenges life throws me. I have to admit I was not prepared to like, let alone LoVe this free spirited, multi diverse cultured, sunshine filled state. I am learning that through decades of disliking the unknown, I can see myself settling here several months of the year much like the NYers do when they become the age where they spend their winters in FL to escape the harsh cold. I don't want to become a Floridian in the winter months, I want to be a California girl kissed with golden rays of sun and perfect hair. I want ocean humidity and long walks on firm sand where the shore dances with the waves. I am thinking that the time I spend here in California will be wise, calm, and eager to explore the treasures that have been here all along. I won't be looking at the downward spiraling, spinning out of control poor education system, the money hungry counties on the verge of bankruptcy, the high taxes and the crippled economy of the state, no instead I am going to look at the sandy beaches of Coronado, the shining stars on the walk of fame, the one of a kind chicken and waffles, sunny days and soft breeze filled nights. I am going to spend my time sight seeing the vineyards of Napa, learning that there is much more to California wines than the typical over commercialized brands sold across the country. I'm going to sink my toes in the sand and feel the brisk Santa Ana's blow through my hair. I will take the time to stroll the streets of San Francisco and ride a trolley. I am going to show my children that they have so much more to their backyard than what is out the back door.

We have the greatest opportunity placed before us and I don't want to spend my time finding the negative of "The Island" I want to sail around meeting people listening to the sounds and see the sights that I may not have an opportunity to see again.